Letters of Goodbye
by Disgruntled Minion
Summary: AU: Some words come from the heart; spoken in honesty and sincerity. But not all words are spoken. Some are written, inscribing the thoughts that the heart fears to speak. Seb/Ciel
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: New story time! This is the first story I've written and completed since being home, haha. I hope y'all enjoy it! Many thanks to the people who helped encourage me and push me while I worked on this, it truly means a lot to me ^^

**Warnings**: Language, un-betaed

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Kuroshitsuji

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The loud clamoring of people filled the hallway, drowning out the softest of voices and threatening to smother even the noisiest. Laughter joined the chorus, groups of friends passing through the crowds, making the noise even louder.

It left Ciel cringing slightly as he dug through his locker for his English book. He did his best to ignore the floating gossip that came from a group of underclassmen near his locker. So long as it wasn't about him, Ciel didn't care. Tongues would wag no matter what. It was typical school – or human for that matter – behavior.

He glanced over his shoulder as lockers clanged together. From the corner of his eye, he could see one student shoving another up against the metal lockers. Another usual behavior in the life of teens. Although if Ciel had to admit it, it didn't happen as often as the movies or television shows portrayed.

He winced in sympathy as the unfortunate soul met the lockers again, before looking away, not bothering to get himself involved. If anyone noticed him watching, they would call him out and Ciel would find himself up against the lockers as well. And Ciel preferred to avoid any situation involving those bigger than him. Especially when the culprits were hot headed football players letting off steam in between classes.

Ciel slammed the locker shut with a quiet grunt at the thought. That wasn't the best way to start the day in his opinion and he'd rather spend his precious spare time doing something more productive. Ciel glanced at the clock mounted in the hallway. He had at least a few minutes left to get to his next class and compare notes with Elizabeth over their latest assignment.

Shifting the book in his arm, Ciel walked through the hallway, dodging the clusters of students that clung together in random spots. They gathered near classrooms and lockers, all searching for a place to talk with their friends before the passing period ended.

All seeking a little freedom before the next fifty minutes of torture began.

Ciel sighed as he started to climb the steps to the second floor, his stomach growling despite the early hour. He had two more classes before lunch – two hours, but to Ciel's stomach, it felt like eternity.

Puffing slightly for breath once he reached the classroom, Ciel quickly entered the room and took his seat in front of Elizabeth. "I regret skipping breakfast," he said and rested his head on the desk.

"I told you it's a bad idea," Elizabeth said and brushed a long, blond curl over her shoulder. "Why do you have so much trouble waking up in the morning?"

Ciel stared at her. "Because I'm a teenage boy dealing with raging hormones," he said flatly and delighted in the pretty blush that touched her cheeks. "Do I need to continue?"

"Please don't," she said. Her nails drummed against the surface of her desk, blue and gold for school spirit, and then leaned back in her seat. "I told my mom that I'm going to college to be a veterinarian; not an engineer like she wants me to be."

"How'd she take that?" Ciel asked hesitantly. He knew all too well the long-standing debate between Elizabeth and her mother. Elizabeth's love of animals wanted to take her one way, but her mother's wishes - and demands - threatened to drag her another way.

Elizabeth frowned. "Not too well. She told me upfront that I would never make it and that I would regret it later on." Her eyes lowered. "I don't know what to do, Ciel. I really enjoy working at the veterinarian's office after school and I know that's what I want to do. But I want my mom to be proud of me too."

Ciel traced a random pattern on the desk. "Can't you do both? Do what you like and make her proud?" he asked. "Show her how good you are at what you do and then she'll have to feel proud of you."

"I wish it were that easy," Elizabeth mumbled as the bell rang.

Ciel winced but didn't say anything as he turned around to face the front. Their teacher quietly took attendance and Ciel's eyes darted to the front door, knowing it would burst open soon with a late comer. He busied himself with opening his textbook to the proper page written on the board, silently biding his time until the inevitable happened.

He didn't have to wait long and as he thought, the door opened and slammed against the wall. It bounced back slightly at the harsh treatment and the old door groaned in protest. Despite himself, Ciel jumped in his seat at the loud clamor and he glared at the newcomer.

"Claude," their teacher said, her face stern. "This is the third time you've been late for class this week."

"At least you can count on me to be consistent," Claude said as he strolled to his seat. "I have perfect attendance when it comes to being late."

The teacher frowned. "Yes. Sadly employers wouldn't consider that a redeeming quality and you'd be out of a job within the week."

Claude shrugged. "Their loss," he said and pushed up his glasses as he leaned back in his chair with a smug, confident smirk.

Ciel rolled his eyes as the rest of the class laughed quietly before their teacher quieted them. This wasn't anything new and by now, Ciel could almost predict how every class would begin. Claude never failed to show up late, only to counter it by arriving on time the following week.

Like an endless cycle, day in and day out. Ciel almost hoped that Claude would do something different, just to bring about a change in the monotonous phase. At least then, it would bring something new and interesting to the otherwise dull school days.

Blue eyes darted over to look at Claude, taking in the punk attire. Even that didn't change during the week, yet it suited Claude's attitude and personality – from what Ciel knew of him. At least he felt comfortable in what he wore, Ciel mused.

His stomach rumbled softly and Ciel groaned to himself as he turned away from Claude. He leaned over to reach into his bag for his water, hoping the drink would trick his stomach into settling down. At the front of the classroom, the teacher continued to talk about their latest reading assignment from _Macbeth_, quoting key sections that would appear on the test.

He waited for her to finish before raising his hand and asking if he could fill up his water bottle. She let him go and Ciel graciously slipped into the hallway. Already, he wanted nothing more than for his class to end, despite it having just started. It didn't help that he had less than a year left of high school before he graduated and then rushed out into the world head on. Already, senioritis threatened to overwhelm him and Ciel had trouble quelling the desire to spread his wings and escape everything.

He wandered down the hallway, taking his time to get to the water fountain and enjoying the open hall. The school always became a little more tolerable when the hallways didn't teem with dozens of students trying to force their way around each other. Without the mass amount of bodies surrounding him, Ciel absently eyed the fliers on the wall that promoted various upcoming events.

The winter dance was several weeks away, but the student council already announced tickets. Ciel rolled his eyes and rounded a corner, bypassing the nearest water fountain for one in another hallway. He passed more flyers, their colors standing out easily against the dull gray stone that made up the walls and Ciel absently ran his fingers over the smooth wall.

Another corner and a splash of bright yellow caught his eye. Ciel paused, doing a double take at the row of lockers on the wall; uncertain if his mind played tricks on him. He retraced his steps to the edge of the corner and stared at the top of the lockers, eyes narrowing as they searched for the color he saw earlier.

"Weird," he murmured and backed up a few paces so he could see the rest of the lockers.

A few seconds later, he spotted the yellow piece of paper, just above locker number 624. Curiosity piqued, Ciel approached the locker and stood on his tiptoes in an attempt to reach the paper. His fingers just brushed against the paper and Ciel cursed his short stature – vertically challenged, as Elizabeth so lovingly reminded him every so often.

Ciel dropped to his feet with a sigh, his fingers covered with a thick layer of dust and nothing more. He glared at the top of the lockers and for added measures, flicked them off before stomping away.

"Was probably nothing anyway," he grumbled and jabbed at the button on the water fountain.

Cool water arched into the air and Ciel quickly filled the bottle to the top. He capped it and then took a sip from the fountain to quench any thirst that might come up while he walked back. Anything to help drag out the minutes until he had to sit in his English class again.

Slowly, Ciel walked back to his room, humming a song under his breath. And pointedly ignoring the row of lockers that held the damnable piece of paper. He passed them without another look back and felt successful in his attempt to quell his curiosity.

But after five steps, Ciel found himself doubling back - unable to stop the burning desire to know what the paper was. Because it wasn't just a piece of paper, rather someone had folded it into an origami bird and tossed it on top of the lockers.

That alone drove Ciel forward and flamed the inquisitiveness that grasped him.

He stopped in front of the lockers and bent his knees before jumping up. His legs smashed against the lockers and Ciel swore as his fingers brushed against the top of the locker. They bumped against the paper before gravity once more pulled Ciel to the ground.

His landing proved less than graceful and Ciel crumpled to the floor. A quick look around confirmed that thankfully, no one had seen his horrible landing and Ciel stood up before anyone did happen to see him.

Ciel brushed his hands off and leaned back down to pick up his water bottle, making it look as though he stopped to tie his shoes. At least the bottle didn't break when it tumbled from his hands. Small miracles, Ciel supposed. Although his cheeks still burned from his failed attempt and he glanced around again, checking to make sure no one saw his pathetic jump.

Yellow caught his eye as he looked down the hallway and Ciel straightened with a smile as he stared at the little paper bird that had caused him so much trouble. It sat innocently on the ground, resting lopsided with one wing pressed against the floor while the other pointed at an angle to the wall.

"I win," he said cheerfully to the bird.

He picked it up and examined it as he walked, noting faint black marks on the inside of the bird. They looked like words and Ciel wondered if it was someone's past homework. He pushed the thought aside and carefully placed the bird into his pocket to read later.

As much as he wanted to stop and read it now, his little trip to the water fountain had taken longer than he meant. Any longer, and his teacher would question what he was doing and possibly take away any future breaks. Ciel's stride lengthened and he hurried back to the classroom, pausing only briefly outside the room to compose himself.

As quietly as he could, Ciel slipped into the classroom and weaved through the rows of desks to take his seat. Elizabeth glanced up at him as he approached his chair and he could see her eyebrows furrow.

"What happened?" she whispered lowly as he eyes darted to the clock and then back to Ciel.

He shook his head at her and sat down, thankful that their teacher never once looked up from her desk.

Their assignment was on the board and Ciel pulled his book closer to him so he could get started. The folded bird though burned a hole in his pocket and Ciel's leg bounced impatiently. It made it near impossible to focus and he blew out a small puff of air. His bangs flew up briefly before settling and Ciel readjusted them before reaching into his pocket.

He took a second to look around the classroom, making sure that no one could see him. Everyone remained hunched over their books though, paying him no attention, and Ciel pulled the bird out. With slow and quiet movements, he unfolded the piece of paper and smoothed it out on his desk.

Black ink flowed across the paper in neat handwriting and Ciel shifted his book to cover the paper. He could already tell that this wasn't someone's homework and Ciel traced over the lines where the folds once were.

Blue eyes darted up to the clock, checking the time, and then back to his teacher. She remained busy grading papers and entering the grades into the computer. With any luck, she wouldn't catch him reading the note. Ciel could imagine what would happen if she made him read the paper aloud and he silently hoped nothing perverse or incriminating hid within the written words.

The yellow paper made it hard to hide and blend in with the rest of his papers, but Ciel couldn't stop now. He had come this far and after working so hard to acquire the bird, Ciel wanted to know more about it.

He only hoped it didn't turn into something mundane. Or even worse, a joke.

_Number 47:_

'_Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives.'_

_-Bertrand Russell_

_At times, I feel people have forgotten Mr. Russell's words and have tarnished the word of love. It's a pity that people toss about the word so easily - say it so effortlessly - yet never think about the weight it carries. _

_It's a heavy burden, to say that word. To mean it with all one's heart, from the very depths of the soul, and to speak it in honesty. I feel as though someone should only say it when they truly believe it._

_I love you._

_Three simple words, yet so heavy. So strong. So dangerous._

_So fleeting._

_I love you._

_Three words that I yearn to say in my life, but I know I'll never get the chance. I can sit here now, on my bed and stare out the window, to the blue skies beyond the thick paned glass and only my reflection stares back at me. Only it shares the view with me._

_Because I'm alone here, in this room. No one to share the view with; not even the person I admire from afar. And I know I'll never get the chance. Because despite my deepest desires, the two of us can never come together. He's over there and I'm here. Two different sides of the same coin, destined never to see the other._

_But if I did, I wonder if I would have the courage to ask him to join me. To sit on the bed with me and watch another sunrise and then set. Even more, I wonder if I would find the courage within me to utter those three words._

_I believe them, with all my heart, when I say 'I love you'. But knowing that he'll never return the feeling stills my lips and keeps the words sitting heavily on my tongue. _

_So I write the words and cast them out on paper instead. Written words that I scream on paper instead of in the air. All the while wondering, if I'll ever get to know what it's like to be loved._

_Signed,_

_Ignotus _

Ciel swallowed and looked up from paper. He gnawed on his lip and briefly, his eyes darted to the teacher, checking to make sure she hadn't noticed the letter. She hadn't moved and Ciel turned his attention back to the note.

It proved more insightful than Ciel first thought and he smoothed a hand over the page. His fingers brushed over the first line and traced the two words. 'Number 47.' Did it mean someone wrote others like this?

The thought made Ciel's head spin and his hand drifted down to the bottom of the page. Ignotus. He didn't know any student named Ignotus and his thoughts began to race before he could stop them.

What exactly had he just read? A love confession? A cry for help? Someone's diary?

All of the above?

Ciel leaned back in his chair as the possibilities rushed over him. Anyone could've written the letter and Ciel struggled to decide who could've best written it. In his mind, it sounded as though a female had written it, wanting to profess her love but unable to say the words aloud.

Although, Ciel rationalized quietly in his mind, a male could've just as easily written the letter. He should know better than anyone what it was like to be in the closet, even though he didn't exactly long for anyone the way the writer did.

Regardless of the gender though, Ciel felt a small frown tug at his lips. The writer sounded upset yet at the same time, Ciel thought they sounded wise. Insightful. The words flowed with a sense of passion, one that Ciel could almost feel coming from the very letters that stained the yellow paper.

They hadn't written just random words without thought. Someone had taken the time to compile their thoughts and transcribe them onto paper. Thoughts that came straight from the heart, albeit, an aching one.

Unbidden, Ciel felt his heart go out to writer of the note. Unrequited love always seemed harsh and he wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Someone stood up behind him and Ciel stiffened as he tugged his book down to cover up the paper. He let out a sigh as they passed him without a word and he slipped the paper in between the pages of his book.

With only fifteen minutes left of class, Ciel didn't want to risk someone catching him reading the letter. He would have more time to examine it during lunch without the fear of someone peeking over his shoulder.

But knowing that didn't make it any easier to focus on his assignment and like an addictive song, the words continued to play through his mind.

_Three words that I yearn to say in my life, but I know I'll never get the chance. So I write the words and cast them out on paper instead. All the while wondering, if I'll ever get to know what it's like to be loved._

_Ignotus_

**.:|Letters of Goodbye|:.**

Ciel leaned against the edge of the countertop and spread out the paper once more. The printed words flowed across the page, slightly slanted to the side and written in a crisp black ink. Combined with the folded paper that it came in, the letter felt more like art than the page of poetry that it truly was. Even the written looked like art.

They stood out neatly against the bright yellow page, flowing and looping in a delicate font that looked almost typed. But Ciel could see a few smudges where the writers hand dragged across still wet ink. It added a touch of human element to it and Ciel lightly traced the signed name at the bottom.

Ignotus.

He had spent the better part of his lunch break combining the latest yearbook for the name, only to turn up empty handed. It left him frustrated and Ciel drummed his fingers against the counter as the microwave hummed in the background.

"Come on, Ciel," Elizabeth said suddenly from across the counter and blue eyes rose to look at her, confusion flickering in their depths. "You haven't stopped looking at that paper since you came home and you won't tell me what it's about. At least stop long enough to eat something seeing as you complained earlier about being so hungry."

Ciel shook his head as Elizabeth swept around him to grab her lunch from the microwave. "I'm just stumped," he said and carefully refolded the paper before tucking it into his pockets.

Elizabeth smirked. "The great Ciel admitting to feeling stumped. I never thought the day would come," she teased. "The world must be coming to an end. Alert the police, for Ciel announced that he's stumped."

"Shut up," Ciel said with a scowl and made his way to the pantry, the tips of his ears warm. He could feel Elizabeth's eyes on him the entire time, only vanishing when he entered the small room. He rooted around for a can of ravioli and upon finding one, brought it over to the counter. The contents splashed as he emptied it into a bowl before placing it in the microwave.

"So," Elizabeth prompted and Ciel cringed. "You know I'm not going to drop the subject, Ciel. Whatever is on that paper bothers you. Did someone write you a love letter or something?"

Ciel shook his head. "Something," he muttered and the microwave beeped at him. A heavy sigh escaped him as he reached for the bowl. "Do you know anyone in the school named Ignotus?"

Elizabeth frowned slightly. "Not that I know of," she said and cocked her head. "Why?"

"I just found a letter someone signed with that name," Ciel said vaguely and took a bite of his lunch. His free hand fell to the paper in his pocket. "That's all."

"Ah, I see. Now you want to track down the person who wrote it to quell an itch that's started to form," Elizabeth said, her eyes dancing.

Ciel scooped up some of the sauce with his spoon. "Sounds about right," he said.

She held out her hand. "Let me see the letter. Handwriting can say a lot about a person, as can the context of the letter."

"I thought about that, too," Ciel started and fished out the letter from his pocket again. He held it between his fingers and examined the outside, having already memorized nearly the whole inside. "They're talking about love."

Elizabeth's eyebrows rose slightly. "Unrequited love?" Ciel nodded and she hummed. "Probably a girl then, even though the name sounds more masculine."

Ciel sighed. "The handwriting looked too nice for a guy as well," he admitted and tucked the paper away, unwilling to show it Elizabeth just yet for a reason he couldn't explain. Something about it made Ciel want to keep the letter close and even more, guard the cryptic words that Ignotus wrote. Almost as though he wanted to protect Ignotus.

"So then you're probably looking for a girl," Elizabeth stated as he carried the empty bowl over to the sink. "At least it narrows things down some."

He shrugged. "I'm not sure though," he professed. "Something about it just feels off. Like, I have this gut feeling that a male wrote this."

Elizabeth looked at him. "It's a little hard to say from just one letter, Ciel. You need more than that to make a good guess." She pushed her hair from her face. "And I doubt they wrote more like that."

"They did," Ciel said. "At the top of the letter, it was numbered forty-seven. What if somewhere in the school, they hid the other forty-six?"

"Ciel," Elizabeth started as she stood up from her chair and grabbed her purse. "Do you really think someone has the time to sit down, write all those letters, and then hide them throughout the school?" she asked.

Ciel faltered. "Maybe?" he said, trying desperately to cling to the idea despite how farfetched it sounded. "It could happen if someone really wanted to express their feelings."

Elizabeth sighed slightly. "I doubt it," she said. "I could understand one or two, but forty-seven is a lot."

"I suppose," Ciel mumbled and snatched his keys from the counter. "Let's go. We need to get back before the parking lot becomes too crowded."

"Don't feel so bad, Ciel," Elizabeth said as they walked out to Ciel's car. "It's great that you want to find the person, but you have to look at this logically. Plus, what were you going to do when you found them?"

Ciel paused for a brief moment and then slid into the car. "I don't know," he answered honestly.

What had he hoped for? That they would become friends and he would make them feel better? Ciel almost laughed. No, the only reason he wanted to find out who wrote the letters was nothing more than simple curiosity. Ignotus offered a mystery and Ciel wanted to solve it. Simple as that.

Not only that, he couldn't offer help when he didn't even know the problem. Furthermore, Ciel wasn't sure if he even wanted to help. And who was to say that this wasn't an elaborate joke?

He grunted and backed the car down the driveway, feeling his mood turn sour. He hated that he had allowed himself to get caught up in something so trivial, especially when it wouldn't go anywhere.

Ciel doubted he could even find another letter. And as Elizabeth said, what would he do if he did? He didn't know the writer and the words themselves didn't give away any hints to who they could be.

It left him standing in the middle of field with no direction. All he could do was spin around and take in the endless stretch of prairie grass that he found himself in - feel the tops of the grass against his palms while the blue continued for miles.

Peaceful, but deadly.

It could kill him if Ciel let himself get caught up in the sea of greens and brown. Dragging him down with hunger and thirst, consuming his mind until his thoughts circled around nothing but the yellow piece of paper. As though it were the sun burning brightly above him and Ciel could do nothing but stretch out for it.

And like Icarus, it would send him plummeting back to the Earth with nothing to break his fall.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: Happy Holidays everyone! I'm really excited to be back home for Christmas this year ^^ and I hope everyone enjoys the holiday season as well; no matter what you celebrate! Thank you everyone for your support and wonderful words! :3

**Warnings**: Language

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Kuroshitsuji

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A soft curse fell from Ciel's mouth as his wrist jerked, sending the paintbrush in his hand skirting across the page to the right. It crossed over a faint pencil line, the paint standing out like a dark bruise against the crisp, white paper. He fumbled for a tissue and blotted it away, but a light stain still showed. If anything, it looked even more like a bruise now than it did before and Ciel wanted to bang his head on the desk in frustration.

Next to him, Grell leaned over his paper and clicked his tongue. "I told you to start with the dark colors first and then do the lighter ones. The lighter colors don't show up as much if you make a mistake."

Ciel ground his teeth together. "I'm going to smear all these dark colors across your face if you don't shut up," he hissed. Grell wisely backed away and turned his attention back to his own painting. "Thank you," Ciel muttered under his breath.

He set the paintbrush down and ran a clean hand over his face, feeling exasperation settle deep within his body. Art was his least favorite class but a necessary one if he wished to graduate. Ciel only wished he could take something else in its place.

He stood up and grabbed his ruined painting, carrying it to the back of the room. Thankfully, he wasn't too far along with it and it wouldn't take long for him to catch up. If he hurried, he could redraw the design and get the base colors laid out on the paper.

With more energy than necessary, Ciel crumpled the paper and tossed it away. He thumbed through a stack of clean sheets and selected a new one before making his way back to his stool.

The paper brushed against the side of his leg and a soft sigh escaped Ciel's lips as he navigated the maze of desks in the cramped room. He just wanted to finish the project and submit it on time. The thought of failing art class didn't sit well with Ciel and Elizabeth would never let him live it down.

Ciel's eyes glanced up at the clock to check his time; part of him hoping the bell would ring before he could get started, and the other half hoping he could get something done. The more he finished now, the less he would have to tackle next class. Bored, Ciel scanned the face of the clock and froze as something light blue caught his attention to the left of the timepiece, and his lips parted slightly.

His boredom quickly fled as exhilaration took its place, sending a cool chill racing down his spine. A small tremor of excitement worked its way through Ciel's body and it took everything in him not to shout in surprise at the thing that caught his attention. There, resting on the television stand in the corner of the classroom, was another origami bird.

Ciel cocked his head at it and suppressed his first thought to run towards the stand, and grab the folded bird. He shook his head and quickly dismissed the thought. If he went after the bird now, everyone would see it and start to question it. Either that or they would start to question his actions.

Neither option sounded appealing to Ciel, and with a sigh, he forced his fingers to relax their grip on the paper. For now, he had to act as though nothing was wrong and continue with his painting until the end of class. But once class ended, Ciel would snatch the little bird from its nest.

He took his seat and started to sketch out the soft lines once more, doing his best to focus despite knowing that another secret sat just mere feet away. It drove Ciel crazy and his mind raced, making it difficult to focus. All he could see was the blue bird, sitting innocently at an angle in the shadows of the television. And more than once, he had to erase the lines he just drew and start anew.

Grell made quiet noises next to him with each passing mistake until Ciel jabbed him in the side with the end of his paintbrush. He dared Grell to try it again, threatening to chop off the long red hair that Grell loved so much.

The threat worked and Grell retreated to his side of the desk, leaving Ciel to wait impatiently for the bell to ring. His leg bounced and his eyes played a never ending game of tag with the clock. Every minute, his eyes would dart up to the clock and then back down to his painting. Ciel knew it wasn't a productive way to work, but he couldn't help himself. The bird haunted his mind like a ghost.

Ciel found that this bird made it even harder to focus compared to the first bird he found two days ago. Despite the few days that passed, Ciel couldn't stop himself from thinking about the yellow bird. It plagued his thoughts and with each passing one, Ciel drifted closer to the burning sun. It made the wax on his arms grow soft and sent the feathers fluttering to the ground below.

And with each passing day, Ciel felt his descent grow steeper and steeper as he fell into Ignotus's grasp. Even now, the yellow bird sat perched on a shelf in his room. He couldn't bring himself to throw it away after his talk with Elizabeth, and Ciel could easily recite the letter by heart.

Ignotus had grasped him tightly and refused to let go. To make matters worse, Ciel noticed he had started referring to the unknown writer as 'he'. It felt right to label the author as a male for some reason and in the following days since finding the note, Ciel began to examine the people around him.

Because despite what Elizabeth said, Ciel had a feeling that Ignotus wrote more than just one or two of the origami letters. The words felt like a cry, a plea; a dying wish on a man's tongue. Someone who simply wanted love and love in return, yet it continued to elude him.

Unbidden, Ciel's eyes drifted over to William and he silently studied him. Most of the students in their grade often teased him for being so uptight and obsessive over the rules. Being on the student council didn't help matters either, and it left him as an open target for others to mock him in the hallways and whisper behind their hands.

He had a few friends, Grell being one of them. But Will had a cold personality that at times, made him difficult to get along with. Ciel worked with him once for a project in science and nearly wanted to tear his hair out by the end of it.

William could've possibly written the letter, professing a deep fear of never finding someone due to all the teasing he received in school. He was good with words and Ciel knew he had nice handwriting. He at least fit a few of the requirements, but Ciel had no idea how to go about approaching him. Especially without getting his head bitten off.

The bell rang and Ciel's hand jerked, the tip of his pencil almost leaving an unwanted line on the paper. His head snapped to look at the clock, as though he needed to see the time himself to confirm the end of class. Ciel scoffed at himself and hurried to clean up his supplies and collect his belongings, shoving his pencils and eraser into his bag.

A quick check around the room showed that nearly everyone had left for their next class and Ciel picked up his portfolio. Alone in the room, he carried it over to the back wall and placed it in the proper slot before slipping over to the television stand.

Ciel looked around the room, and feeling almost like a spy on a secret mission, plucked the bird from its hiding spot. "Good thing you weren't too high up like last time," he muttered to the bird, holding it safely between his fingers.

He could see the black ink showing through the material of the paper again and Ciel turned the bird over a few times. He couldn't tell how long the letter was by the outside alone and he would have to wait to open it later. Ciel tucked the bird carefully into his jacket pocket and swung his backpack over his shoulder as more students started to wander into the classroom.

He hurried through the hallway, finding it less crowded than usual thanks to his late start. In Ciel's opinion though, staying behind to capture the bird was well worth getting to class late.

Ciel sprinted up the stairs, taking two at a time. He wheezed slightly by the time he reached the top floor and hurried down another hallway. "Why does this school have to be so big?" he groaned and skirted around a corner.

His pace slowed as he approached his economics class, located in the older part of the school, and Ciel sucked in a deep breath as he walked into the room. He hoped he didn't look as frazzled as he felt, and Ciel ran a hand through his hair as he took his seat near the back. His heart hammered against his chest and Ciel slumped in his chair as the bell rang.

Slowly, the class settled down and their teacher – an older man with salt and pepper hair sticking up in random spots that made him look crazy, even though he was far from that – began to write on the board. "If you would pass your reports on a current article to the front," he said. "We'll get started. Seeing as its Friday, I figured it best to watch a segment on the current economic report before we break into groups so you can work on your projects."

A chorus of soft groans filled the air amidst the shuffling of papers and backpacks. Ciel joined in as he passed up his own report and then settled back in his desk in a failed attempt to get comfortable.

The lights dimmed and the projector on the ceiling flickered to life. At the front of the room, the teacher sat behind his desk to control the computer - or rather, struggling with it as usual - and Ciel reached into his pocket. His fingers curled around the bird that rested there, safe and light within the confines of his pocket.

Carefully, Ciel pulled it out and let it sit in the palm of his hand. It looked smaller than the previous one, its tiny wings stretched out in small triangles as though ready for flight. He traced them, feeling the creases against the pads of his fingers; crisp and fragile against his hands. If he wanted, Ciel could easily tear off the wings and leave the bird flightless; destroying not just the bird but also Ignotus's wings.

The thought sent a small, icy chill down his spine, and with gentle fingers, Ciel started to unfold it. He cradled the bird lovingly as he worked, treating it like something precious. And in a way it was. Not just to Ignotus, but also to Ciel. He wanted to protect the bird and Ignotus as best he could. They were his secret and treasure.

His eyes flickered up to the teacher - who still struggled to get the audio working while no one bothered to offer any help - and then back to the bird. Its wings had unfurled, like that of a rose, and Ciel smoothed the paper out on the desk.

_Number 50:_

"_I want to say somewhere: I've tried to be forgiving. And yet. There were times in my life, whole years, when anger got the better of me. Ugliness turned me inside out. There was a certain satisfaction in bitterness. I courted it. It was standing outside, and I invited it in."_

_-Nicole Krauss, The History of Love_

_No truer words have been spoken than that and I know not one person who can deny them. Everyone deals with anger, resentment, and bitterness. Some struggle with it longer - days, weeks, months, even years. While others can simply let it go within the hour._

_I always admired - and found myself jealous - of these people._

_Anger, for me, was a constant companion growing up. I hated my mother for what she did to me as a child and what she left me with. For years, I cursed her and spit upon her – wherever she may be. Nothing could stop me from the destructive path I walked._

_Yet strangely enough, I didn't know that I walked on such a barbed road. It never occurred to me that my thoughts towards my mother had such a negative impact on my life. Unknowingly, thorns covered the path I walked and dug deep into the soles of my feet, tearing them apart and skinning them raw. I bled with each step I took, but I felt no pain. Everything seemed fine until one day I happened to stop and look over my shoulder. _

_Blood and tears covered the path I took, and to my surprise, I found that I had been crying the whole time I walked. Never once though had I felt the water washing my cheeks. They cleared away the anger that clouded my eyes, and as I looked back, I noticed all the things I missed in my anger induced state._

_All the chances I could've taken, but didn't. All the people who extended a hand of friendship, but I turned them away. All the things I could've been if I had only looked. _

_And seeing all that I missed, and all that I could've become, hurt more than the anger I felt at my mother. _

_To know that I could've been somewhere else in my life now, had I not clung to the anger and bitterness within me, sent me crashing to my knees. To realize that I had wasted nearly half my life seething over a woman I didn't even remember had me sobbing in resentment. In a way, she stole my life and my opportunities from me without lifting a finger._

_In that way, I let the very person I hated so much; win._

_The near decade I spent growing, tending to, harboring, and feeding my anger, suddenly felt like a lifetime. I became aware of how tired it made me feel to hold onto the grudge against my mother and how bad it made me look._

_Time is precious and I don't want to waste another second hating her. Letting her win over me._

_I can't say that the day I had my epiphany, I let go of the anger and bitterness, and it never came back. No, I only wish it were that easy. But I've tried and I'm working on it. It comes back when the days turn bad and I want to yell at someone. We all have those moments._

_But when those times come, I'm reminded of a quote a close friend told me._

'_Don't hold onto anger, hurt, or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love."_

_-Leo Buscaglia._

_These words drive me onward, pushing me away from the anger and hurt that I've felt all my life. For years, those two emotions lit a fire under me and kept me going. It was my reason for living. But at the same time, that same fire burned and charred me until I couldn't move anymore. Shaped me into a creature that I didn't even recognize when I saw it in the mirror._

_Now I have a different fire that drives me forward. One that comes from a different emotion that I never believed I would feel. Its touch soothes the stinging wounds that the last fire bestowed upon me and even though the scars will remain, I hope to look past them one day._

_Because I will not let my anger from something in the past, keep me from looking for love today._

_Signed,_

_Ignotus_

Ciel leaned back in his chair and his fingers gripped the paper tightly. The edges crinkled and he loosened his grip, smoothing out the page with a shaky sigh. His eyes flickered briefly to the now working projection screen and then back down to the letter. The flowing words stared back at him and Ciel traced them with a finger.

Despite the small size of the bird, its letter was far longer than the previous one - albeit the handwriting smaller - but its words no less strong.

Even now, Ciel could feel the raised bumps of gooseflesh on his skin and he absently rubbed at them in a failed attempt to warm them away. Something about the letter sent chills through his spine and Ciel looked back to inky words.

They sounded like a confession, a promise, and a realization. Everything about it screamed of pain and sorrow, yet it sounded insightful again. As though Ignotus had a chance to reflect on his life and realize all the mistakes he made.

But through it all, Ciel could still feel a sense of sorrow seeping through the words. Perhaps the last letter still circled his thoughts or maybe he read too much into this letter, but Ciel swore an undertone of anguish laced the letter.

Anguish at what though, Ciel didn't know. But a part of Ciel wanted to know and not for the first time, he found himself wondering what secrets Ignotus held.

**.:|Letters of Goodbye|:.**

The lunch bell came as a blessing for Ciel and he quickly closed his math book, anxious to beat the lunch rush. Today was the third Wednesday of the month, otherwise known as ice cream day. The tradition with Elizabeth started his junior year when they could start going off campus and somehow stuck before Ciel realized it.

Without fail, they would get ice cream every third Wednesday of the month, even during the winter months. Elizabeth commented once that they were crazy for eating ice cream while it snowed outside, but Ciel firmly reminded her that it was never too cold for ice cream. That's what the heater was for.

She simply laughed him as they sat huddled in front of the car heater as they ate their cold treat.

"Ciel," his math teacher called as he stood up. Ciel glanced at him, eyebrows furrowed. "A quick word, please?"

"Sure," Ciel said, heart racing a little faster. He racked his mind, trying to remember what he did during class to draw attention to himself.

He hadn't found a recent letter and Ciel didn't have one with him, so it couldn't be that. His phone didn't go off during class and he took notes the whole time.

The frown on Ciel's face deepened as any reason escaped his mind. He couldn't figure out what reason he could be in trouble. Whatever the reason Mr. Smith asked him to stay behind though, it threatened to cut into ice cream day.

Unforgivable in Ciel's mind.

He approached the desk nervously, noting for the first time that Claude remained in the room as well. The other student leaned against the edge of his desk, looking annoyed at having to stay behind as well.

"I'm sorry to call you two after class like this, Ciel, Claude," Mr. Smith started and Ciel's eyes darted briefly over at Claude. "But I'll keep this short."

"Please," Claude drawled.

Mr. Smith shot him harsh look before turning back to Ciel. "You're one of the top students in my class and I would like to ask a favor of you."

"Such as?" Ciel asked, relieved that he wasn't in trouble. But it still didn't explain Claude's presence.

Mr. Smith hummed slightly. "As you know, next semester the seniors need to complete volunteer hours before graduating. This would count for those hours and give you a head start."

"Doing what?" Ciel questioned, silently wishing his teacher would just get to his point.

"Tutoring," Mr. Smith said and gestured towards Claude. "Mr. Faustus.

Both Ciel and Claude stared at him as though he had gone insane. Claude recovered first, his face twisting into disgust. "I don't need tutoring," he snapped. "I'm doing just fine."

Mr. Smith scowled. "You're failing this class, Claude. I've warned you repeatedly to bring up your grades but you have yet to show me any improvement. You've left me with no choice aside from calling your father."

"That's not necessary," Claude said stiffly.

Ciel shifted his backpack on his shoulder. "And I don't know if I'm the best person to offer tutoring," he admitted honestly.

"I'm sure you'll do fine and if not, you don't lose anything," Mr. Smith said. "The hours would still count."

"That's beside the point," Claude protested. "I don't need any help in this class and I have places to be after school. I can't stick around here for such a pointless reason."

Mr. Smith clicked his tongue. "If you didn't need help in the class, we wouldn't have this conversation, Claude," he said. "You will show up to tutoring, or I'll call your father and bring him into this."

Claude scowled and shoved his hands into his pockets. "Fine," he spat. "I'll go to the fucking tutoring sessions," he growled.

"They begin next Monday," Mr. Smith said as Claude stalked out of the room. He ran a hand over his face before looking back at Ciel. "It's up to you, Ciel. But I think you'll do well and it's a good opportunity for you."

"If you say so," Ciel said uncertainly. His eyes darted to the clock and then back to his teacher. "Can I think about it?"

Mr. Smith nodded. "Of course. But I would like an answer by tomorrow afternoon at least."

"Sure," Ciel said and shifted on his feet. "If that's all?"

His teacher laughed lightly and nodded again, shooing him away with his hands. "Enjoy your lunch."

Ciel gave a forced smile, uncertain if he could enjoy lunch now. The thought of having to tutor Claude Faustus of all people made his stomach turn. They weren't exactly on the same wavelength and Ciel feared that he would find himself in the back of the school with a knife in his stomach.

He shuddered at the thought and hurried outside to his car. They wouldn't miss the lunch rush thanks to the delay and Ciel only hoped that they could still get their ice cream. He would need it after the bomb his teacher dropped on him.

Elizabeth looked up as he approached the car, a scowl marring her face. "You're late," she protested as they climbed into the car.

"Sorry, teacher held me up. Apparently, he wants me to tutor Claude," Ciel said, rolling his eyes.

"Faustus?" Elizabeth clarified.

Ciel nodded. "Yeah. And can we not talk about it before we get lunch? I already feel uneasy about the whole idea and I don't want to lose my appetite on ice cream day." He shook his head as Elizabeth laughed at him. "I'm serious, Lizzy. Claude's a punk and who knows what he carries in his pockets. What if he has a knife?"

"You wanted to drop the subject," Elizabeth pointed out.

"So I did," Ciel murmured as he joined the queue to leave the school grounds. "Change the subject then."

Elizabeth passed her ID card over to him. "Have you found any more of those letters?" she asked after several seconds of silence.

Ciel shook his head, slightly surprised that she brought up the letters. He knew she wasn't fond of him searching for them; seeking a person that she believed didn't exist. "Not yet."

Not for lack of trying though. Ciel searched for the letters whenever he walked the hallways and each day upon entering class. He knew more existed, but whoever hid them tucked them away in clever spots. They never appeared in the same place twice and Ciel still didn't have close to a complete set.

The numbers on top of the letters varied from the mid-forties to the upper sixties. At best, Ciel had a few groups of letters that matched with each other, but none formed a long string of numbers. Ciel yearned for the whole set and he wondered how many existed.

"How many do you have?" Elizabeth asked as they left the school and pulled out onto the road.

"Thirteen to date," Ciel said. And of those, he already memorized six.

Elizabeth hummed. "That's pretty good considering it's only been three weeks so far."

Ciel nodded. "Yeah."

"But you want more," Elizabeth said, her tone worried and Ciel pointedly ignored the look she gave him.

"Maybe," Ciel said lightly. "Where do you want to eat?" he asked, changing the subject.

He didn't need Elizabeth voicing her concerns to him and telling him he should stop searching for a fictitious character. Ciel knew Ignotus existed, the proof sat scattered throughout his room and hidden in the hallways of school. A secret just waiting for discovery. Nothing Elizabeth said could keep Ciel from believing otherwise.

He wanted to find Ignotus – not just to prove to Elizabeth that he existed, but also meet him and simply talk with him; to peer into the wise but wounded mind of Ignotus – and the only way to do that, was to keep finding his letters. And Ciel wouldn't stop until he discovered the truth.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N**: I'm sorry for the wait! Work and practice killed me over the holidays, and then my computer decided to act up. And even now, it's still being a pain :/ But I'm determined to get the next chapter up on time next week. Keep your fingers crossed! Thank you everyone for your wonderful support and patience! I hope y'all enjoy the chapter ^^

**Warnings**: Language

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Kuroshitsuji

* * *

Ciel sighed in annoyance as he rested his head on his knuckles and watched the door. His feet played a random beat against the floor, searching for something – anything – to help pass the time. He didn't need to look at the clock to know that Claude was late. Again. As he had been since the very first tutoring session.

He knew that Claude didn't want to be there. Ciel didn't want to be here either and he hated that Claude wasted so much of his time. It left Ciel feeling even more frustrated at the end of the day and he took to drumming his fingers against the surface of the desk as his irritation mounted.

With a loud sigh, he glanced to the clock despite himself and then clicked his tongue when he saw the time. The passing time didn't help his mood and Ciel rubbed his temples, trying to find a way to ease the frustration. He let his mind wander, drifting back to the newest letter he found yesterday.

Number fifty-five was the shortest one yet and Ciel's eyes fluttered shut. He could see the light green bird twittering about on its perch as it sang its song. A short, mournful one; lamenting about unfulfilled wishes. The pleading tones and words nearly brought Ciel to tears, his throat seizing up as he choked back the emotions. Even now, the words echoed themselves through his mind.

'_What would it take for him to notice me? To realize that I even exist? Why is it that I'm forced to suffer in silence, in written words, when he doesn't even know my name? It hurts, more than I thought. This thing called love.'_

It was all Ignotus wrote and Ciel traced a random pattern on the desk. Despite not knowing him and having never met him, Ciel's heart went out to Ignotus and he wanted nothing more than to comfort him. If the person Ignotus cared so much for didn't even realize he existed, then he didn't deserve Ignotus.

Ignotus deserved someone better.

Someone like him.

Ciel stiffened and slowly, he straightened up in his seat. It wasn't the first time the thoughts had flittered through his mind. They floated in and out through his thoughts like a soft breeze, teasing him one moment and vanishing the next. But in the past, they were just fleeting little things without any meaning behind them. Just emotion.

Anger at the suffering Ignotus went through. Frustration that someone couldn't see how great he was. Sympathy and sorrow for the grief that Ignotus seemed to deal with daily.

He easily passed them off as nothing more than emotions. Emotions that simply sparked and came about from the flowing words that littered the pages on neatly folded birds. They made him think and Ciel often went to bed with thoughts of the letters running through his mind. The mystery grabbed him and held on tightly and at first, Ciel could easily convince himself that it drove him forward.

But now, he knew it ran deeper than that. Despite himself, and without knowing how it happened, Ciel had somehow formed a connection with the mysterious writer named Ignotus. So much so, that he actually developed feelings for him.

"Oh hell," Ciel swore as the thought finally sunk home and he rubbed at his eyes. "I think I like him," he muttered.

A laugh threatened to bubble up in his chest, wanting to escape in a loud burst of noise that portrayed how he felt. But Ciel quickly swallowed it down. While a part of him felt relieved and overjoyed at having finally admitted the feelings he felt, another part felt scared. He knew what it meant to fall in love with someone who might not exist. He had let himself become attached to a person that only existed on paper and as of now, Ciel had no proof that Ignotus existed.

The reality was enough to dampen his mood and Ciel's eyes darted to the door as it opened, cutting off his thoughts before they could build into a storm. Claude strolled in casually, a whistle on his lips and the scent of cigarettes on his breath. It only served to foul Ciel's mood even more.

"You're late," he said as Claude sat across from him.

"And you look like you're about to cry," Claude stated matter-of-factly. "My tardiness upset you that much?"

Ciel scowled. "Like hell it did," he spat and jerked his book open. "Let's just get started so I can get out of here. I have places to be."

Claude sniffed. "As do I," he said and flipped his notebook open. "I'd rather be anywhere else but here, honestly."

"At least that's one thing we can agree on," Ciel muttered and reached for his notes. "Right. We went over limits of a function today. Do you remember any of it?"

"Not really," Claude said and leaned back in his chair with a grin. His earring glinted under the florescent light. "I was a bit occupied."

Ciel rolled his eyes. "I can imagine," he said and stood up to walk towards the white board. "Fine. First we'll review the formula and then go from there."

He wrote out several formulas on the board and began labeling the different parts. Behind him, Ciel could hear Claude shuffling papers around and only hoped that he bothered to take notes. With any luck, they could just review the notes from class and Claude could pretend to understand before they called it a night. The sooner they left the better for Ciel.

It didn't take long to write out what he needed and Ciel capped the pen. He dusted off his hands and turned around. "Any questions so far?"

"Should I have questions?" Claude asked.

Ciel blinked. "You don't even have a pencil out," he said and his eyes narrowed. "Hell, you don't even have your book with you. Is this all a joke to you?" he asked.

"Honestly, yes," Claude said and he shrugged slightly. "I'm just waiting for you to realize it as well."

"Well excuse me for trying to help you," Ciel spat and stomped over to where Claude sat. A folder and a couple sheets of paper sat on the surface of the desk and Ciel felt sorely tempted to sweep them onto the floor. "I've wasted my time here long enough because clearly, you don't want the help. First thing tomorrow, I'm telling Mr. Smith that you don't want the tutoring and I can go back to ignoring you."

Claude let out a sigh. "Finally," he said and pushed his folder away. He started to collect a few pieces of notebook paper that he had scattered across the desk and straightened them up. "I wondered when you would finally come to your senses and tell him that. I told you before that I don't need your help."

Ciel scowled. "Good. I don't want to help you. I hope you fail and have to repeat the class until you're forty," he shouted. "You think it's fun to screw with other people's lives this way? I put aside my time to help you."

"And I told you that you didn't have to," Claude said back. "I have places to be after school and this isn't where I want to be."

"Yes, because I'm sure wasting your life away with your other punk friends is so important," Ciel drawled and he slammed his hands on Claude's desk. A few stray papers lifted slightly off the desk from the motion. "But I don't care. If that's what you want to do than..."

Claude's eyes narrowed. "Then what?" he demanded. "If you're going to make false accusations about someone, at least have the balls to finish your sentence."

Ciel shook his head and he took a step back. "It's you?" he asked and he looked up at Claude, eyes wide. "You're Ignotus?"

"What?" Claude started and a brief flicker of panic appeared on his face before Ciel cut him off.

His hand darted forward and grabbed a lightly colored sheet of paper in Claude's folder that caught his attention earlier. Like a beam, it had drawn his eyes to the rainbow of colors in Claude's folder – barely hidden under the plain, nondescript, white, lined paper – and Ciel didn't want to believe what sat before his eyes.

But the elegant handwriting didn't lie and neither did the flowing words that Ciel had come to know within the past month. He looked at them every day, morning and night, until the letters had burned themselves into his mind.

He would recognize those letters anywhere.

"You," Ciel shouted and shook the paper for emphasis. "You're the one who's been writing these?"

Claude's face paled and he snatched the paper from Ciel's hand. His fingers smoothed out the faint wrinkles in the paper as he glared at Ciel. "How the hell do you know about these? No one is supposed to know about them."

"Oh fuck, you really are him?" Ciel swore and ran a hand over his face. It couldn't be Claude. Not Claude Faustus. "This whole time I was reading letters written by you? And I actually started to believe and feel something for you?" The thought made him sick and Ciel's world threatened to spin and crash around him.

"No!" Claude yelled and stuffed the rest of the papers into his folder with little finesse. His hands shook and for the first time since Ciel saw him, Claude looked shaken. "Hell no. I'm not the one who writes them. I just hide them."

Ciel rolled his eyes. "That's the shittiest excuse I've ever heard," he snapped. "If you don't write them, then who does?"

Claude shook his head. "No, I can't tell you that," he said. He paused and despite the suffocating tension in the air, he smirked. "And furthermore, did I hear you say earlier that you started to feel something for the person who wrote these?"

A hot flush worked its way across Ciel's face. "I didn't," he said quickly. "Because I sure as hell wouldn't develop any sort of feelings for you."

Claude chuckled. "Good, because my boyfriend would have a few choice words to say to you about that." He slipped the folder in his bag, his actions far smoother this time than earlier. "But I didn't write these, as I said before. So you don't have to worry about that."

Ciel stared at Claude, his mind temporarily derailed. "Did you just say you had a boyfriend?"

"I did," Claude said and his eyes narrowed at Ciel. "I don't go publicly announcing my relationship over the PA system for a reason. I like my privacy and I don't want people sticking their nose in my life."

"Then why did you go about hiding those letters? Whether or not you wrote them," Ciel asked.

Claude sighed and looked away. "Because he asked me to," he said.

"Your boyfriend?"

"No," Claude said and hoisted his bag onto his shoulder. "He's no one, that's all you need to know. You don't know him and that's it. Goodbye Ciel."

Ciel froze for a second before racing after Claude. "Wait," he called and ran down the hallway to catch up with him. "Wait!"

Claude didn't slow down and Ciel picked up his pace until he caught up with him. "You know who writes these." It wasn't a question.

"I said I did," Claude said flatly.

"Tell me," Ciel said, huffing as he tried to keep up with Claude's longer strides. He scowled and grabbed Claude's arm, pulling him to a stop. "Claude, please. Tell me who it is."

Claude shook his head. "No. The notes are signed the way they are for a reason, Ciel. He wants his privacy and I respect that." He shrugged his shoulder and pulled his arm out of Ciel's grip. "Besides, what's it to you anyway? If you're just curious because you want to solve a riddle, then fuck off. Take your curiosity and shove it up your ass."

Ciel scowled. "That's not why I want to know," he said.

"Then why?" Claude asked and rounded on him, amber eyes boring into his. "What about the letters are so important to you that you want to know who wrote them?"

"I," Ciel started and shifted his weight on his feet. "I want to meet him. I want to know who he is." He finished lamely.

A frown pulled down Claude's lips. "That's not good enough for me," he said and took a step back. "I have somewhere I have to be. Any more tutoring lesson won't be necessary," he finished and started to walk away, leaving Ciel behind.

Ciel watched him walk away, his back retreating down the hallway until Claude turned a corner and vanished from his view. In the distance, a door slammed shut and the sound echoed throughout the corridor. To Ciel, it felt like someone had just shut a door in his face, keeping him from finding the answers he wanted.

His body still felt numb and he stood still in the hallway for several more moments. Of all the people Ciel expected to know about the letters, Claude wasn't one of them. Even though Claude claimed he didn't write the letters, he still hid them and was thus involved. By all means, Claude knew Ignotus. Knew him and protected him.

But the confession only made Ciel's head swim even more. Why would someone like Claude - resident punk and one of the school's bad boys - do something for another person? From what Ciel could see Claude didn't have a large group of friends. He kept to himself and caused trouble whenever he could. Who was it that he covered for and felt the need to protect?

_Someone close_, Ciel's mind supplied and the thought seemed to shake him from his stupor.

Whoever the person was, Claude was close to them. Extremely close. When Ciel first called him out about the letters, he looked panicked and distraught - as though he had failed someone.

Ciel frowned and took a step back before turning around to walk to the classroom again. He searched his memories for anyone close to Claude, but his thoughts quickly turned up empty. To be honest, Ciel knew nothing of Claude aside from what he saw and heard in the hallways. Ten minutes before this, Ciel didn't even know that Claude had a boyfriend. How had he missed that?

He ran a hand through his hair and stepped into the classroom. The chairs were in disarray, a result of their frenzied attempt to escape the room, and Ciel started to straighten them up. He needed something to settle his racing thoughts and shaky hands.

Claude wasn't going to talk, that much was obvious. His actions earlier showed that while he didn't care what other people thought about him, he dearly wanted to protect the person who wrote the letters. Moreover, his words told Ciel how much Claude cared for Ignotus; and how far he would go for them.

The conflicting actions threw Ciel off kilter. Since when did Claude - simple, misunderstood, punk Claude - become so complex?

Ciel shook his head and left the classroom, thoughts in turmoil and spinning like a whirlwind. They battered against his mind and each other until a headache threatened to blossom in his temples. Nothing would quiet them right now; nothing but the truth and answers. And Ciel knew that right now, he wouldn't find them any time soon.

He groaned and rubbed at his temples. He needed to find a way to make Claude talk. He had to know who Ignotus was, no matter what.

He couldn't explain the driving force behind wanting to know who it was, only that it kept Ciel up at night. It sent his stomach fluttering whenever Ciel thought about the person who wrote such encrypted letters and it made his emotions swirl about like leaves in a windstorm.

All these things from a person Ciel didn't know.

It wasn't fair that Ciel had to suffer these feelings while Claude knew all the answers. He held them close to his chest though, and Ciel only needed a peek.

Ciel nodded to himself and pushed open the front door to the school, his resolve strengthened. Somehow, he would get Claude to tell him who the writer was. Even if it meant playing dirty.

**.:|Letters of Goodbye|:.**

"I think my mom is starting to come around," Elizabeth said during lunch the next day. They sat in the courtyard, enjoying the cool afternoon air. The wind tossed a few stray leaves across the ground while the sun peeked out between the clouds, providing random intervals of light. "She actually sat down with me last night and reviewed the information I printed out."

Ciel smiled. "See, I told you she would come around eventually," he said and looked over his shoulder, searching for a figure in the crowded courtyard. "Just needed to give her some time."

Elizabeth hummed and leaned back on her hands. "Yeah. But what about you?" Ciel made a curious noise. "You haven't stopped looking around the yard, like you're searching for someone. Spit it out, Ciel. What's going on?"

"I think I'm on to something," Ciel said.

A sigh. "Ciel, not this again," Elizabeth started. "I thought you stopped looking for the person writing these letters weeks ago."

Ciel shook his head. "Not really," he admitted. "I kept finding more of them, Lizzy. Ignotus wrote more than just one or two. I have fifteen from him already and I found someone who knows who wrote them."

Elizabeth rubbed her temples. "And who, pray tell, is your informant."

"Well, he's not my informant per se," Ciel started. "I noticed it yesterday when Claude came in for tutoring. He had a folder filled the same colored papers. When I called him out, he claimed that he wasn't writing them, only hiding them."

"Claude Faustus," Elizabeth repeated. "He's in on this? Oh, Ciel. I really think you should stop pursuing this now. If he has something to do with it then you know this person can't really exist. You need to stop before you get in too deep."

Ciel scowled. "He knows who writes them, Elizabeth. I saw his face when I confronted him about it." Even now, nearly a day later, Ciel still couldn't forget Claude's expression. The fear and anger twisting his features told Ciel all the truth he needed to know. "I know he's not lying and he knows who wrote them. Ignotus is real."

Elizabeth sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "Even if Claude is telling the truth, did he tell you who wrote the letters?" Ciel shook his head. "Then how are you going to get him to tell you who does? I can't imagine he's going to give up that information easily."

"He's not," Ciel admitted and winced slightly. "He wouldn't tell me who Ignotus was yesterday no matter how much I asked. But I think I have some leverage on him to make him talk."

Green eyes rolled slightly and Elizabeth bit back another sigh. "Ciel, you're not a cop. You can't pull off the whole blackmail thing despite what you think." She paused and flicked him on the forehead. "Besides, listen to yourself. You're thinking about blackmailing Claude Faustus just to get some information on a person you don't know exists."

"He does," Ciel said forcefully, annoyed that Elizabeth didn't believe him. "I know he does, Elizabeth. And I'm not going to stop until I find out who he is."

Elizabeth stared at him, eyes narrowed before they widened in realization. "You like this guy," she breathed. "You like Ignotus. That's why you're getting so worked up about this."

Ciel looked away, his lips pulled down and his fingers clutched his pants. His heart hammered against his chest and Ciel could feel his cheeks heating up. He hated that he appeared this transparent to Elizabeth and that she could call him out. Ciel still had trouble coming to terms that he fell for someone he never even met.

"Maybe," he said after several tense moments. Elizabeth gave him a pointed look and Ciel ground his teeth together. "Okay, I like him. Even if I've never seen him, he sounds like a good person. Maybe he's had a bit of a rough life but I think aside from that, he's a good person."

"You're setting yourself up for disappointment, Ciel," Elizabeth warned.

Ciel waved his hand, brushing the comment aside as he stood up. From across the courtyard, he could see Claude walking towards one of the hallways that led to the police station and industrial shops.

"I'll meet you after lunch," he said and grabbed his bag from the top of the wall they sat on.

He slung it over his shoulder and jogged after Claude despite Elizabeth's protests. He couldn't stop now, not when he had come so close yesterday. Ciel could almost taste the answers on his tongue and grasp them in his fingers. The mere fact that Claude pointedly denied his questions only served to push Ciel forward.

He wouldn't stop until he had his answers.

Ciel rounded a corner and watched as Claude walked into the welding shop. The garage doors stood wide open, letting in the cool fall air and Ciel could see Claude talking to the shop teacher. They talked for a while, and Ciel watched as their hands gestured to various tools and pieces of equipment. Claude had something on his phone and for several long, and drawn out minutes, their heads bowed over it.

It seemed odd to see a teacher so devoted to something that came from Claude. Most teachers preferred to ignore him in class or simply write him up for misbehaving. Seeing the opposite ignited a faint spark of curiosity within Ciel and he had to bite it back before letting it get the best of him. He wasn't here to learn more about Claude.

Finally, they pulled away from the phone and Claude pocketed it as they continued to talk. The teacher gestured once more before clapping Claude lightly on the shoulder and walking away. Ciel sighed in relief and he waited until the teacher went into the classroom. The moment the door closed, he darted forward to the garage and slipped inside. His eyes adjusted to the bright lights overhead and Ciel made his way over to Claude.

"Claude," he called. The older student turned around to look at him, annoyance coating his features. "We need to talk."

"I don't need to do anything," Claude stated and slipped on a pair of safety glasses. He looked at Ciel. "What's going on in that little brain of yours?"

Ciel smirked. "You know what I want."

Claude rolled his eyes. "And I'm not telling you. There's nothing you can say or do that'll make me speak." He placed a hand on Ciel's head and pushed down on it. "I'm bigger than you, kid; don't make me beat you up."

Ciel batted Claude's hand away. "I know that. Any idiot can see you're a head taller than me," Ciel said crossly and not for the first time, cursed his short stature. "But I know something about you that no one else knows." His voice lowered. "Like the fact that Claude Faustus is gay."

Amber eyes blinked at him and a look of terror washed over his face. It drained the color from his cheeks, leaving him pale. He reached out and grasped Ciel by the shoulders. "Please," he gasped and Ciel blinked in surprise at the new side of Claude. "Please, you can't tell anyone that I'm gay. I'll become the laughing stock of the entire school. I don't…I don't know what I would do if everyone found out."

A small smile flickered across Ciel's lips. "I thought so," he murmured. Beneath the hard exterior lurked a scared child. Someone who cared about what others thought and the way they talked. With the threat of his reputation hanging in the balance, Claude broke easily, just Ciel expected. "So, about you're little secret."

Claude snorted then and his hands slipped from Ciel's shoulders as he took a step back. His previous expression vanished before Ciel's eyes and he watched as it gave way to annoyed scowl. Claude placed a hand over his heart. "Oh no, someone has discovered my secret," he drawled in mock terror. "Whatever will I do?" He sighed and shook his head. "You also forget, Ciel, that you admitted to feeling something for Ignotus - who is a guy. That would also make you gay."

Ciel faltered at the sudden change and then plowed on, determined to get Claude under his thumb. "But you have a boyfriend," he said. "People would find that more interesting than anything."

Claude crossed his arms over his chest. "So let me get this straight," he started. "You're going to blackmail me with my boyfriend. A guy you don't even know the name of, let alone what he looks like."

"Yes," Ciel said firmly despite his plan falling to pieces in front of him. He didn't expect Claude to counter him this way. He knew Claude would argue, but when faced with damning his reputation, Ciel assumed Claude would fold eventually. "Because how do you know that I don't know who your boyfriend is?"

A smirk flickered across Claude's lips. "Very well, I'll play along," he said and leaned forward slightly to rap his knuckles on Ciel's chest. "So you're going to tell everyone that I have a boyfriend and in exchange for your silence - which will save my reputation - you want me to give up Ignotus's identity."

Ciel nodded. "Sounds about right," he said, feeling proud of himself for getting Claude to bend to his whims. Even if it seemed too easy, but then again, weren't most people concerned about status and status alone? "So are you going to tell me the name or will I spread it over the school's PA that you have a boyfriend?"

Claude's lips stretched into a smile before a deep laugh escaped his throat. "You have guts, Ciel, I'll give you that. But despite your best threats, I'm not going to give up Ignotus's name."

"Then I'll tell everyone," he started but Claude cut him off with a wave of his hand.

"Do you honestly believe that I care so much about my high school reputation that I would give up the name of someone close to me?" he asked, his voice growing serious. "You can tell everyone at this school that I'm dating another male student. I don't care. It doesn't bother me what they think about me because I graduate from here in less than a year and I'll never see them again."

"Some people might feel that upholding their reputation is the only important thing in their life, but I have far more important things to worry about," Claude continued and Ciel felt like shrinking in on himself. Fire licking its way across his face as the situation quickly spiraled out of his control. "My reputation here means nothing to me. So go ahead and waggle your tongue as much as you like. Because truthfully, I don't care. Protecting this person is more important to me than you can imagine."

Ciel swallowed his eyes darted around the shop as a hot rush of shame filled his body. "I didn't," he started. "I didn't mean it that way."

An eyebrow rose. "It sure sounded like it to me," Claude stated.

"I just want to know who he is," Ciel exclaimed and threw his hands up in the air. "If you had just told me who he was, then I wouldn't have resorted to this sort of," he trailed off helplessly, unable to find the right word.

"Pathetic attempt at blackmailing me?" Claude supplied helpfully.

Ciel scowled. "Shut up," he hissed. "I've been trying to figure out who Ignotus is for the past month. Don't you think I deserve to know the truth?"

Claude shook his head. "Not really," he admitted as the bell rang. "I owe nothing to you, especially after you just threatened to blackmail me. Now run off to class, I have work to do."

"I'm sure," Ciel spat and turned on his heel. Anger bubbled in chest and his fingers curled into fists to keep it bay. His face still burned with humiliation and Ciel could feel the tips of his ears heating up.

He skirted around the courtyard, wanting to avoid Elizabeth until he had a chance to cool down. She couldn't say that she was right, as Claude's actions only proved that Ignotus existed. But the thought of dealing with her now only made things worse. After the tongue lashing Claude gave him, the last thing Ciel needed was Elizabeth looking haughty when he slunk back with his tail between his legs.

Still, Ciel couldn't understand why Claude simply wouldn't tell him. It wasn't as if Ciel only wanted to know Ignotus's true identity so he could harm Ignotus. Ciel truly wanted to meet him and talk with him. What about that proved so difficult to understand?

Claude hated him. It was as simple as that. He wanted to act stubborn and unwilling to let Ciel know what he wanted just to spite him.

Ciel's anger flared and mounted as he stormed down the hallway towards the stairwell. This wasn't how he expected the confrontation to go between them and Ciel climbed the steps, nearly stomping up each one. It didn't do much to help his situation, but it made Ciel feel better. And with each step he climbed, Ciel could feel his anger ebbing away. Like the waves washing against the shore and crashing against a rock, each step chiseled away a little more of his anger.

What had started as a stone in his chest had smoothed away into nothing more than fine grains of sand. They fell into his cupped hands and Ciel clenched his fingers around the small grains, trying to keep them from escaping. The wind caught them though as he reached the top floor and the light gust blew it away, leaving Ciel with nothing but a clear mind as his anger fled.

Now more than ever, Ciel could feel the shame at how he had acted. Before it felt like fire, but now it burned like molten lava. He couldn't believe he thought to blackmail Claude. The idea itself proved stupid and idiotic. Even more than that, it proved childish and spiteful. No wonder Claude didn't want to tell him who Ignotus was.

Had their roles been switched, Ciel wouldn't have told himself either.

His steps slowed as he approached his class and Ciel leaned against the wall to catch his breath. Claude believed that Ciel wanted to harm whoever Ignotus was. Despite Ciel's claims yesterday, his actions today didn't do him much justice. If anything, they completely tore down any trust Claude had in him, if there was any to start with.

Claude protected someone close to him and he wouldn't willingly put that person in the line of danger. Even if that danger prone thing was a person.

To Claude, Ciel was a wild man with a knife, ready and willing to sink the blade deep into Ignotus chest if given the chance. But he also proved highly unpredictable. While he could harm Ignotus, Ciel could also befriend him if Claude let him. The conflicting actions had Claude keeping Ciel at arm's length until Claude knew for certain, that Ciel didn't mean to harm Ignotus.

But how to prove that, Ciel didn't have the faintest idea.

The warning bell rang and Ciel pushed away from the wall. His footsteps felt heavy, but his heart remained heavier. Sitting like lead in his chest.

He had probably just ruined his only chance of finding Ignotus.


End file.
